Deconstructing my Religion (Part 3)

Why I am Fairly Certain that I am NOT a Christian

September 2008

(Photo courtesy of Pixabay)

THE PAIN

Imagine that you are faced with the decision of whether or not to take your child off life support. He is barely 18 years old. The horror of what brought you to this place is isolating, the circumstances suspect. You will live the rest of your life without closure. Was your child’s death (by legal definition) murder? Or was it assisted suicide? Is there a difference? Did he have a choice in his own death or did it come at the will of another? Furthermore, what will you tell well-meaning people when they ask what happened?

While no one can completely understand the complexities, imagining this scenario will give you a glimpse into my world at the time of my son’s death. Perhaps this will give the reader context to understand how these events brought to a head, the unraveling of my religion, as I mentioned in my first post.

GOD’S IN CHARGE?

The following is an oversimplification of how I interpreted what was taught to me in church: God is in charge and He has a plan for the world. Bad things that happen are part of the bigger picture and God uses those things to accomplish His purpose and to make us more like Him. Of course, salvation from hell and the process of santification while we are on earth is also a part of this plan.

But just how did my son’s death fit neatly into such a plan?

I never raged against God. I did, however, question if God had been correctly represented in the teachings of the Baptist Church and the Christian School of my childhood. If their representation of Him was correct, then my son’s death seemed especially cruel. What kind of God exacts such pain to “further His plan”, especially a God that Christians frequently reference as “Heavenly Father”?

Desperate to find the truth, I decided to use only the words of Jesus to interpret the Bible. Had not Jesus himself said, “If you have seen me, you have seen the Father”? I strove to put aside preconceived ideas and lean into the words of Jesus, dissecting Scripture, and allowing the words written in red to be my final authority.

I would love to say this approach answered all my questions, but it did not. It did, however, provide a compass for my spiritual journey. That journey didn’t bring me peace with the church and it certainly has not made things easier and while I did lose my religion, I never lost my faith.

February 2025

Where Am I Now?

There’s a lot more history to my story both before and after my son’s death. In the days ahead, I hope to continue to share about the deconstruction of thoughts, patterns, and behaviors I learned within the church; the religious hierarchical and patriarchal attitudes that set the stage for further abuse; and the generational trauma I unknowingly passed on to my children. However, I am inclined to share this over-simplified and brief synopsis today, even though I understand that sharing this climatic point before I have set the stage or built more tension in my story is a sure way to lose my audience. At a time when we see religion dividing our country, it seemed important to me to share this hope:

Where religion divides, Love and Grace have the power to save.

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John 14 KJV

⁷ If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.

⁸ Philip saith unto him, Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us.

⁹ Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Show us the Father?

( While I reference many translations and amplifications of the Bible for my studies, I am using the King James Version here because it is the only translation we were allowed to use in the churches in which I was raised. )

Note: For a timely study, take a look at the life of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and spend some time studying the church in Germany as Hitler gained power.